A Cane's Many Uses

Being permanently disabled and in constant pain, House is probably stuck using a cane to walk for the rest of his life. It's a great hindrance, occupying his right hand and limiting what he can carry, putting strain on his back and shoulder, and altering the way strangers view him. House being House, however, he has managed to make it work to his advantage. His cane is a tool, an extension of himself, and it can be used for much more than just walking.

For one thing, it makes a great head rest.

Or a chin rest.

Or an arm rest.

Or a... nose rest? Nose scratcher? Nose... something.

You can use it as defense.

Or offense, of course, usually against small, helpless animals such as blind pigeons or sick rats.

It can be used for diagnostic purposes - whether to smack a sick guy in the parasite-infested liver and prove that his inability to breathe has nothing to do with the cane at his throat...

...or just to see how much abuse an infuriatingly nice guy is willing to take.

It's always handy for abusing your best friend, Wilson, too...

...and abusing Wilson can be useful for delaying arrival to your dad's funeral. You can knock his car keys into a drain,

Or push on the gas pedal to make him pass a cop car, getting both of you arrested.

All your coworkers and friend will be delighted to learn that it extends your reach by a full three feet. From afar you can push elevator buttons,

Grab distant items,

Open doors,

Tear down Christmas Cheer,

Or steal food from floppy-haired Australian ducklings.

It can also help you make a very dramatic entrance,

break into a patient's home (it looked easier on YouTube),

Or it can aid in the attempted destruction of your ex-girlfriend's marriage.

It makes a wonderful knocker...

...nice and loud for waking up Wilson at three in the morning.

In a pinch, it can substitute for a variety of everyday items:

Baseball bat,

Pool cue,

Measuring stick,


Chew Toy,

Machine Gun.

You can twirl it, for the cool factor or just for boredom.

Or play it for sympathy to exact revenge on a patient and appease Cuddy, all in one simple toe smash and apology.

Use it to take your anger out on an innocent bookshelf,

Annoy Thirteen,

Wake up a patient,

Crush a pill,

Start a domino chain,

Or stuff a patient's cell phone down the toilet.

Your buddy Wilson can even use it to establish an alibi while you help a patient commit suicide upstairs.

Use it later to remind him that he loves your crazy antics.

You can smash padlocks with it, when you've just gotta have some coffee...

...or you can invent new games to pass the time and pretend you're not worried while your darkest duckling is dying.

You can use it as a barricade, or to clothesline Wilson.

Just be careful doling out so much abuse to Wilson. He's not as nice as he looks, and he will use your disability against you to get what he wants.

A cane's usefulness is limitless. Think outside the box - you don't even have to have the cane to use it. You can pretend to forget it in your ex-girfriend's psychiatrist's office, then use cripple sympathy to convince a janitor to let you in after hours for file snooping.

And don't forget - crutches can be just as useful when canes aren't available.

So there you have it. Almost makes you want to have an infarction and end up with a bum leg, doesn't it? Okay, maybe not... but for all his faults and flaws, at least House has managed to find benefits in a rotten situation.

I'm sure there are plenty more cool things that House has done with a cane. If you think of a particularly good one that I've missed, feel free to e-mail me (please try to include the episode name if you remember it).